The Lone Gunmen
Episode #13 (1AEB11)
The Cap'n Toby Episode
First aired: June 1, 2001
John Byers: Bruce Harwood
Ringo Langly: Dean Haglund
Melvin Frohike: Tom Braidwood
Jimmy Bond: Stephen Snedden
Yves Harlow: Zuleikha Robinson
Cap'n Toby: Tom Poston
John Gilnitz: Ben Bass
Agent Blythe (red shades): Cyia Batten
Puppeteer (Clarence the Crab): Douglas Newell
Cap'n Toby's Wife: Jasmin Dring
Lead Agent: Brian Drummond
Weiner Man: Michael Eiclund
Little Girl: Jodelle Micah Ferland
Reporter #2: Zahf Pardo
Young Langly: Eric Pospisil
First Paramedic: Reicha Sharma
Reporter: Norma Jean Wyck
First Man: Darryl Scheelar
Second Man: Clayton Watmoush
We open on a picturesque farm in Saltsville, Nebraska. The sun is rising, and bucolic music is playing in the background. Langly begins a voiceover, talking about how he has the perfect childhood memory dating back from when he was 10 years old. The camera moves away, and the picture of the farm proves to be nothing more than the calendar photo for the 1978 edition of the Saltsville Manure and Food interest. Langly is very adamant that his favorite childhood memory has nothing whatsoever to do with farm life. To illustrate this, we see little Ringo trip on his way to feeding the chickens, falling face down in mud, and then having three clucking hens descend upon him in to peck the wayward seeds out of his hair. Langly then explains that his only true joy in life as a child--after countless chores were finished--was sitting in front of the television set and watching shows that were frankly a little too young for a ten-year-old. On the three channels at his disposal he would watch Bozo, Captain Kangaroo, Sherry Lewis and Lamb Chop, Paddington, and of course, Cap'N Toby. To Langly, these kids' show hosts were the closest thing he had to friends. And Cap'N Toby was someone Langly felt he could really trust.
Cut to present day. The back of a police wagon opens up, and a somewhat aged and very haggard Cap'N Toby is escorted out and his Captain's Hat is removed as he's placed in the back of an unmarked cop car. Langly (as we know him) stands by, with a stricken look on his face. The voiceover continues. "Growin' up... man, it's a bitch."
Backtracking six days to Glen Burnie, Maryland, in its beautiful mall, we see a beautiful blonde woman in red shades walking casually along the upper deck. A little too casually. She can't help but notice that she's being followed by some guy, and so she heads for the elevator. Ducking in, her pursuer almost makes it in as well, but he is bumped into by a man in a hotdog suit. Inside the elevator a man with a gun is waiting for her. Brushing off the hotdog man, the man who was following her heads for the garage. He gets there too late, he notices the man with the gun laying dead behind a coup (license plate T17 1576). On closer examination, he discovers a tiny needle embedded in the dead man's jacket. Unfortunately, his spidey sense isn't really up to par--or his common sense for that matter. One would hope that, upon discovering one's colleague dead by poison dart, one would be a little more aware of one's surroundings. But not so with this man. Instead, he allows red-shades blondie to get the jump on him. He is no match for her roundhouse kicks, but he pulls a gun on her. She raises her arm, only to let loose a dart from the cleverly-concealed dart-launcher in her wrist. The man looks shocked that he too could succumb to the dart, and falls down dead. Red shades blonde takes off.
It's 8:15a.m. over at Gunmen H.Q. The boys are reading the morning papers--meaning there is a stack of at least twenty newspapers in the middle of the table, and each one of them is reading a different issue. Jimmy is serving up pancakes, and feeling a little underappreciated. The Gunmen patiently (dare I say lovingly) explain to Jimmy that they have to read the papers to uncover the stories the legitimate press doesn't have the wontons to cover. In order to sit at the grownup table, Jimmy offers to help, and Langly hands him the comics section, and Jimmy quickly notcies that the Wizard of Id seems to have discrepancy that could very well be... CONSPIRACY! Before Langly can haul off on him, Frohike notices that the Glen Burnie Suburbanite ran an obituary for Adam Vaughn, age 35 dead of a heart attack. He was a member of the International Brotherhood of Stage Technicians Local 614. Frohike, in a truly breathtaking act of recollection, notes that the previous day's Suburna Park Monitor had a very similar obituary for one Eric Rice, age 33, who also died of a heart attack and was also a member of the International Brotherhood of Stage Technicians Local 614. Langly grabs the paper and heads over to the laptop. Byers explains to Jimmy that they might have a lead on an organized crime story, and Langly, in a truly breathtaking display of hacker prowess, brings up a list of 911 calls for the Glen Burnie Fire Department, and can't help but notice that both men had their heart attacks at the same time, at the same mall. (Did he have an alias on his desktop: "Crack into Glen Burnie Fire Department 911 dispatch?") All the same, it seems a little suspicious to our three adventurers. Dutifully, they head over to the mall where Frohike and Jimmy seek out hotdog guy, who explains that he found both guys dead in the parking garage when he came down for a smoke. He then mentions someone by the name of "Rosie," a moniker he coined for our blonde haired roundhouse-kickin' poison-dart-dealin' rose-colored-glasses wearing... you get the idea. As hotdog guy explains that he is really quite a player, Frohike can't help but notice a discarded dart near one of the support pillars. Hotdog guy takes off, but falls over, prompting Jimmy to run over and offer assistance. What a guy.
As Frohike and Jimmy check out the mall, Langly and Byers have taken the microbus over to the North Shore Studios in Glen Burnie. They hit the floor, and Langly's initial cynicism about the children's show is turned to awed exuberance when he is bumped into by none other than Cap'n Toby himself. Unfortunately for Langly, the Cap'n Toby show has undergone some retooling. It's now THE NEW Cap'n Toby show, and as a result, just about everything has changed. A man carrying Clarence the Crab walks by, and while Langly goes into nostalgia overload, Byers asks where they might find the producer of the show. A helpful Clarence directs them to John Gilnitz. They walk over an introduce themselves, but Mr. Gilnitz doesn't have time--the taping is just starting for a Cap'n Toby teaser. Cap'n Toby looks a little uncomfortable as he recites his copy, urging kids to put the wind at their backs, and a song in their hearts. He then salutes them (and Langly dutifully salutes back) and puts his pipe to his mouth, sending a few bubbles up for that little something extra. They cut, and John Gilnitz asks if they could do a copy of the commercial without the pipe. Gilnitz is concerned that the pipe could promote smoking. Cap'n Toby is a little upset about this, the pipe has been around for the full 31 years of the Cap'n Toby show. The pipe and the Magic Portal™ (and Clarence, and Cap'N Toby) are the only vestiges of the old show left. As Langly watches in horror, Gilnitz then takes issue with the Magic Portal™. Apparantly, it makes no sense for a nuclear submarine to be equipped with a portal. Cap'n Toby is so disgusted he walks off the stage, claiming he needs to lie down. Unfazed, Gilnitz walks over and re-introduces himself to Langly and Byers. Byers explains that they are print journalists looking to do a story on the show, and Gilnitz nearly wets himself he gets so excited talking about how the show is a real "zero to hero" success story. To which Langly, unable to contain his rage any longer, demands to know what happened to the tugboat. Poor Langly's heart is breaking as Gilnitz explains that now, Cap'n Toby lives on a nuclear submarine. When Byers brings up the two dead stage hands, Gilnitz is quick to point out that neither one of them died on the set, and they had only worked on the set for a couple of weeks. He becomes a little alarmed, hoping that they aren't writing about the stagehands, but Byers tries to assure him that the story is about the show, and maybe they could have a look through the personelle files?
Back at H.Q., Frohike has the dart under the super magnifying lense. While he handled the dart very nonchallantly in the parking garage, he is now holding it with the utmost care. Frohike does not want Jimmy moving, or sneezing, or twitching, or (by insinuation), talking. After convincing Jimmy to back away, Frohike decides he wants to look at the dart under higher magnification, and turns around to use the microscope. As he brings the tiny dart into focus, the slipcover that the dart is resting on accidentally pops open, sending the dart right into Frohike's chest. Frohike tells Jimmy that he has to suck out the poison, and Jimmy dutifully (but reluctantly) complies. Unfortunately for all parties involved, Yves happens to walk in at just that moment, in time to see Jimmy "sucking the poison" out of Frohike's chest. (This was, by far, the most painful scene I have ever witnessed). Recovering her eyesight, Yves explains that the particular strain of poison found in the dart has a potency of only 2 hours, and afterward becomes harmless salt water--leaving no trace in the victim's body. Yves is trying to quell her excitement at seeing something she's only heard about in rumor--something found only in communist China. While Frohike ponders the implications, we see Cap'n Toby in his dressing room, the sign for the Lil' Toot shoved in the corner, picking up the phone and speaking in stilted Chinese.
Langly isn't up to hacking, ever since John Gilnitz destroyed his childhood. So, Frohike is hacking, while Jimmy watches with puppy-dog awe. Frohike discovers that both stage hands were working for the justice department--FBI Intelligence division, Chinese analytical unit. Their real names were Jaycox and LaBeck. Frohike can't seem to piece together why a Chinese spy ring would be operating out of a kids' television show. Langly takes umbrage at the insinuation that Cap'n Toby is the head spy, thinking that instead it must be Gilnitz--after all, the man single-handedly destroyed Langly's childhood! But, Frohike reminds Langly that they will expose whoever is the head of the spy ring, even if it is Cap'n Toby.
Back at the Cap'n Toby show, Gilnitz is trying to explain the phenomenon of "hip hop" music to the good Cap'n, and can't help but remind him that Toby hired him to "connect with today's kids" and that means hip-hop. The Gunmen filter in along with the kids to do a little recon, and Frohike proceeds to snap photos of every stagehand he lays eyes on. Finally, he ventures into the Cap'n's dressing room, only to discover it's occupied by a five-year-old groupie. She explains that she wants to see Cap'n Toby, and Frohike, trying to be as nonthreatening as he can, explains that his show is about to start, and she better go out there if she doesn't want to miss it. He crouches down to take one of the hands folded primly in her lap, and the girl opens wide and lets out a very loud, disconcerting scream.
Yves and Jimmy are hangin' at the mall. Jimmy, filling in for the hotdog guy who is out with a broken arm, explains to Yves that the plan is brilliant, because they're going to find the lady with the rose-colored glasses this way. Yves doubts that the woman would return to the crime scene, but just then, Jimmy spots the woman in the rose-colored glasses. Unfortunately, he doesn't know how to communicate very well, and is too busy feeling self-satisfied to clue Yves in to Rosie's presence.
Back in the dressing room, Frohike, obviously learning nothing from "Madam I'm Adam," offers the little girl some money if she'll stop screaming. Just then, Cap'n Toby walks in on what would normally be a very awkward scene that would probably have resulted in Frohike being arrested in the real world. However, the Cap'n merely asks the little girl what her name is, and then offers to take her out to the stage area to watch the show. As the Cap'n leaves, Frohike ransacks his dressing room, eventually coming across a letter written in Chinese.
Jimmy, recovering his ability of speech, informs Yves that the red-tinted glasses woman is standing in line at Koko's copy center. Yves heads over, but Red, sensing she's been spotted, beats a hasty retreat as Jimmy and Yves attempt to close in on her. Jimmy is in hot pursuit, although he isn't really as agile in the hotdog suit as he would be in football gear, and before long he trips over his own two feet, pitches over the railing, and falls down one floor onto a doughnut display. Yves rushes to his side, and Jimmy asks if Red Shades got away. The devil herself rushes down the escalator towards them, and flashes her badge to the mall security guard. She wants both of them detained.
The paramedics are bandaging Jimmy up in what looks to be the mall's administration office, until he has a chance to see a doctor. They would prefer to take him to see one because they think he cracked a rib. But Red Shades is having none of it. She asks Jimmy why he was following her, but Yves, switching into Lawyer Mode, gets a little defensive, asking the woman how she knew that Jimmy was following her, and why they should answer any of her questions anyways, since they haven't been placed under formal arrest. Unfortunately for Yves, the woman introduces herself as Agent Blythe of the C.I.A. and reasserts that she wasn't talking to Yves. She was talking to Jimmy. Jimmy explains that he's an investigative journalist, and that she was placed at the scene of two murders. She then wants to know what he knows about the two dead men--and he replies that he knows they were FBI agents, to which she replies that they were officially FBI agents, but she insinuates that they might have been double-agents, then denies that she insinuated that they were double-agents in order to prove her point that Yves and Jimmy don't know anything. I don't know, maybe it's the glasses. She then gives them a very dire threat--they're not only pissing her off, but they are also pissing off the CIA and the FBI, six letters you do not want pissed off at you. So she asks Jimmy to tell her exactly what he knows, and who else knows it. Yves gives him that knowing "don't tell her squat!" look, but then, Red Shades cautions her against stonewalling, calling her "Miss Harlow" which alarms Yves considerably. Blythe then issues an ultimatum, tell her everything, or Blythe reveals Harlow's identity to the world. I guess a lot of people visit her web page. Anyhow... in a truly gallant effort, Jimmy agrees to tell Blythe everything in exchange for Yves's protection.
Back at the Cap'n Toby show, Cap'n Toby is explaining the noises of barnyard animals with the help of the Magic Portal™ while an enraptured Langly participates silently from the control booth. Gilnitz is still a little upset over the magic portal, but shrugs it off as a non-negotiable item for the Cap'n. As the hip-hop comes up, Cap'n Toby isn't the only one who's confused, Langly is pretty upset too, but Gilnitz only sees success, after all, because of the way he was able to slash-and-burn all vestiges of the original show, he was able to bring ratings for the Cap'n Toby show up by a whole .3 points! He also mentions that he was able to sell the show into foreign syndication, not only in Europe, but also... China! Byers snaps to with this admission, and gives Langly a knowing look, who then asks Gilnitz if China was his idea. It turns out that yes, China was Gilnitz's brainchild. Just then, Frohike bursts in and asks the guys if they can't spare a few minutes. Outside they theorize how the show itself could transmit information, and decide that there are a million different ways that secrets could be encrypted into the broadcast itself. Frohike then breaks Langly's heart by showing him the letter. Langly remains staunch in his belief that Cap'n Toby is 100% American, but just then the FBI shows up with Agent Blythe in tow to search the sound stage. Within moments, Blythe returns with microfilm she found hidden in his dressing room. Cap'n Toby is arrested under the charge of espianoge.
Back at H.Q., the Gunmen are watching the news as the Captain is carted off to jail with the catchy caption "Tyke Show Traitor." Fred Tobolosky (Cap'n Toby) was working with "unidentified co-conspirators" to pass information to Chinese counter-intelligence agents. They also point out that Tobolosky's wife of 18 years is a naturalized Chinese immigrant. Langly isn't feeling too good about himself right then, and Byers and Frohike are upset that they got scooped by the mainstream media. However, Yves informs them that there is hope yet to be had. She's been working pretty hard over at the desktop, and has discovered that the document Frohike found is nothing more than a recipe for pot-stickers. Jimmy figures that the recipe doesn't pin Cap'n Toby as a spy. Langly points out that the microfilm does, but then Frohike explains that he would have found said microfilm when he searched the dressing room right before Blythe and the FBI arrived. Jimmy figures that Blythe planted the evidence. Byers figures the only way to clear Toby is to determine just how the secrets were passed through the show.
Back at the Nuclear Submarine, Gilnitz is drinking some hard liquor and re-evaluating his career. When Clarence the Crab tries to stick up for Fred and his wife (albiet, not very tactfully), Gilnitz fires him and goes back to gazing at the set. At once, he figures it out-- he looks at the Magic Portal™ and rushes out to find Agent Blythe, explaining to her that the only thing that he doesn't have control over is the Portal. As he invites her to press her face up to the portal, she casually shoots him with a poison dart.
Cap'n Toby has returned to the set after making bail, inviting Wayne "Clarence the Crab" to experience the thrill of trying to avoid reporters on his way in. It turns out Fred wants to put out one last show, and so Wayne, reaching into his carpet bag, produces a working stage crew, and they invite all of the reporters in to watch the Cap'n Toby swan song. The Gunmen arrive, noticing that Gilnitz is not around, they start looking for evidence of espianoge. Yves notices an invoice receipt from Kokos in the trash, then heads out, Jimmy following along happily. Cap'n Toby begins the show, and the reporters begin to ask questions, but he silences them and starts again.
Yves and Jimmy have arrived at Kokos, and are picking up the package marked for the Cap'n Toby show. Taking it over to the drafting table, Yves rolls it out to see none other than Pooky, Garfield's teddy bear. They can't seem to figure out why Agent Blythe would want a poster with Pooky on it, but then Agent Blythe, ever so helpful, offers them the missing link--her glasses. Viewed under a red filter, the invisible ink becomes clear and all those cute little drawings contained messages in it. Agent Blythe informs them that they are to "come quietly."
Back at the Cap'n Toby show, Langly is slacking off while Byers and Frohike are rooting around backstage. On stage, Cap'n Toby is explaining to Clarence the Crab that France really sucks, because in the States, you can marry whomever you like (I guess you can't do this in France, but hey, what do I know. I'm not French). Frohike and Byers have discovered something in the rafters, and are trying really hard to free it, while Cap'n Toby inspires Langly all over again. Unfortunately, the most poignant part of his speech is dimmed a little when Byers and Frohike actually manage to release the thing dangling in the rafters, and the body of John Gilnitz comes a-tumblin' down.
Jimmy and Yves are being led to the roof for the execution, taking the time to rehash the details of the plot for audience members too stupid to have figured it out by then. Yves, taking really good aim with that stone from her glass house, explains that Blythe was only in it for the money. Blythe responds by shooting a poison dart at Yves, but Jimmy, always gallant, takes the bullet for her and tumbles over the side of the railing onto the lower deck of the roof parking lot. Now, Yves opens up her can of whup-ass on Blythe, and the two duke it out in a frankly hysterical battle-scene. After knocking Blythe out, Yves runs to Jimmy, thinking he's dead, but rather, the bandages around his chest from his previous fall absorbed the dart, leaving him unharmed. So, in the end, the Gunmen are able to vindicate Cap'N Toby, who is retiring and leaving his vast, nuclear-powered empire to Wayne. As the Gunmen stand in a receiving line for his thanks, however, Langly learns that just because you help clear your childhood hero from espianoge charges, doesn't mean he won't mistake you for a girl.
Hardware: When Langly hacks into the Glen Burnie Fire Department in record time, he is using an Apple Powerbook. Whatever program he is running to hack the F.D. Dispatch has a really nice skin on it. The computer Yves is using appears to be of PC extraction.
As mentioned before, Langly was a bit old to be watching Cap'N Toby and his contemporaries at the age of 10. This--was a little creepy. Okay, so, we know that there is at least one part of Langly that isn't cynical and bitter, but I have a hard time believing that a 10-year old (particularly a budding computer genius) would prefer puppet shows to the various cartoon shows available at the time: Scooby Doo (hey, they drive a VW Microbus!), The Super Friends, Rocky & Bullwinkle, reruns of Mighty Mouse, the Flintstones, the Jetsons, not to mention kid-oriented sitcoms like The Brady Bunch, Gilligan's Island... you get the idea.
Our secret agent would have had a little more sense than to leave the darts lying around the scene of the crime. One would think that they were taught in spy school to leave no evidence of their involvement.
The Cap'n Toby show wouldn't have had "one last broadcast." Apart from the fact that the Justice Department would have halted any and all transmissions from that sound stage, he was also operating without the benefit of a producer. Also, I'm sorry, three young men dying of heart attacks in within a week of each other at the same sound stage is more than a little suspicious no matter who's reading the paper. A broadcast would have interfered with the murder investigation that would have no doubt sprung up from that alone. Likewise, the good folks at Kokos wouldn't have handed over what could have been evidence to someone they didn't even recognize who walked in off the street and asked for an order for a show that was just halted for reasons of international espianoge.
Speaking of which, Kokos is certainly implicated in this whole mess... yet no mention is made of their involvement at the end when the show is wrapping up. Maybe next season?
Say it ain't so, Cap'n Toby!
Jimmy is more than a little embarassed
Yves has arrived! She wishes, however, she hadn't.
Frohike Poison!
Don't Stand So Close to Me!
Byers flashes his most charming boyish grin
Langly goes into nostalic freak-out
Newspaper--the breakfast of champions!
Byers gives Jimmy that patient, longsuffering look
Langly explains the concept of reading to Jimmy.
Frohike and Byers reading the papers
Hotdog Jimmy, incognito!
Yves in disguise at the mall
Hotdog Jimmy finds a clever hiding place!
Yves gives Jimmy a bemused smile
Frohike flashes his most charming, boyish grin
Yves looking coy 'n saucy
Byers rubs his neck in frustration
Langly on the ropes
Yves and Jimmy get caught red-glasses
Yves puts up her dukes
Rowr!
Langly grins and bears it
Byers:
"Uh... your... its triumphs, its tragedies..." (69K)
"Growin' Up, Man it's a Bitch." (96K)
"Now there's readin' between the lines!" (33K)
"What happened to the tugboat?" (35K)
"Five-hundred channels of booty-shakin' MTV" (70K)
"Plus, they all work for The Man" (45K)
"That's gotta be some heavy-duty poison" (60K)
"Get away from me!" (42K)
"I'm about to keel over!" (31K)
"What are they going to report on, the superiority of American hand-puppets?" (73K)
"Obviously, it is important that we find her, or the guys wouldn't have sent me!" (113)
"Pig-in-a-Blanket? It's Pigalicious!" (54K)
"What in the hell are you doing?" (42K)