Drinking Game Points:

• Jimmy Confuses a word for something else (x3):
  1. Afghan (thinks Frohike was referring to the dog, and not the rug) (1 drink)
  2. Confuses the term "Deep Throat" for the porno movie, not the informant (1 drink)
  3. Confuses "angina" for "vagina" (1 drink)
• Jimmy does something smart: hands out the coffee cups with the forensic adhesive (CHUG!)
• The van is abused in some way, shape, or form: Impounded! (1 drink)
• Langly is in a situation where he should vomit, but doesn't: Handling the poopy diaper (2 drinks)
• Meaningful glance between Yves and Frohike: When she tells him what a turn-on a competant father is (CHUG!)
• Jokes involving bodily functions/fluids (x2):
  1. Frohike's gas attack (1 drink)
  2. The baby pees on Langly (1 drink)
• Langly is mistaken for a girl -
  1. The cop teases him when they reach the impound yard (1)
  2. The doctor mistakes him for the nurse during Frohike's gas attack (1)
  3. Frohike teases Langly that the baby thinks he's his mother (1)

Total Points: 13

The Lone Gunmen

Episode #5 (1AEB04)
Three Men and a Smoking Diaper

First aired: March 23, 2001

John Byers: Bruce Harwood
Ringo Langly: Dean Haglund
Melvin Frohike: Tom Braidwood
Jimmy Bond: Stephen Snedden
Yves Harlow: Zuleikha Robinson
Sen. Richard Jefferson: Christopher Rich
Jock: Randy Becker
Brenda: Enid-Raye Adams
William Jefferson: Morgan and Madisyn LaCouuvee
Moustached Officer: Mitchell Kosterman
Martha Ashley: Patricia Drake
Producer: Lindsay Bourne
Field Reporter: Sean Allan
Singer #1: Candus Churchill
Singer #2: Lovie Eli
Singer #3: Sibel Thrasher
Technician: Daniel Bacon
Stern Nurse: Carolyn Tweedle
Doctor: Ernst Wedekind

The episode opens in Richmond, Virginia, outside the campaign headquarters of the soon-to-be re-elected Senator Richard Jefferson. A WFVH News 11 reporter is conducting a standard campaign interview with the Senator, with dozens of screaming supporters holding balloons in the background. However, all is not as happy as it could be, for one of the Senator's campaign workers, Ms. Bonavaut, has mysteriously died in an auto accident. The Senator, in a deep southern drawl, expresses his sadness at the loss of the woman, and offers his public condolences to her family. As his P.R. spokespeeps nod to themselves, they don't notice that just behind them, and the senator, is Byers. While everyone else is holding red and blue balloons, Byers's balloon is a conspicuous silver. Inside of the WFVH news van, the reporter's superiors are telling him to drop the fluff reporting and "get to the allegations." It seems that the death of Ms. Bonavaut might not have been an accident, according to some, and that the senator may have had an illicit relationship with the woman. The senator, of course, denies this. The next question the reporter asks is not put as delicately, in fact, he uses a low-level expletive, and accuses the Senator point-blank of philadering with the now-dead campaign worker. Surprise is all over--the campaign workers are booing, the men in the van are upset about where the reporter got the idea to say such a thing, and the Senator is getting a tad miffed at the line of questioning. The reporter looks a bit confused as well, checking his earpiece. Not far off, a VW Microbus with a "Question Authority" bumper sticker in the rear windshield is parked, and inside, a gleeful Langly is dictating some very randy questions to the reporter, who, lacking any sense of self at all, isn't even bothering to process what he's hearing before he says them. It takes a moment for the men in the WFVH van to determine that the man with the silver balloon has managed to hijack their transmission, and so they take off after him. Jimmy, standing guard outside the WFVH van, alerts Byers that his position is known, and Byers attempts to run, but manages only to crash into the female P.R. woman on Jefferson's campaign, who is none too pleased with him. Unfortunately, Jimmy's none too bright, and radios back to the van that Byers has been spotted, with the WFVH producer only a few feet from him. Needless to say, Jimmy is now discovered as well. Meanwhile, unknowing that the balloon has floated away, Langly is now in high gear of questioning, completely oblivious to his surroundings, which is bad, because the van door has been opened and the producer and a couple of police officers have found them out. Needless to say, they're arrested.

At the Police Impound Yard in Richmond, a police van drops off the boys so they can pick up their microbus. The police officer appears to have been goading Langly the entire time. After they leave the van, Langly finally snaps and gets up in the officer's face, demanding an apology for their arrest and imprisonment. The officer isn't particularly impressed by Langly's threats, even going so far as to remind Langly as to who has the gun. But Langly isn't intimidated, and it is only thanks to Frohike pulling him away that Langly doesn't end up back in jail--or shot. Frohike reminds Langly that with only four days until the election, they aren't going to expose the senator for his crimes if they're sitting in jail. As they make their way to the van, Jimmy and Byers arrive to inform the two hardened convicts that their time in jail was for naught--the Senator's ratings went up because the whole episode was seen as an ambush. The Gunmen know the truth--that the Senator is a ruthless player, an adultering sex machine who embarrasses the public office. Only Jimmy seems to support the Senator, claiming he seems like a great guy. The Gunmen pile into the van and prepare to head off, instructing Jimmy to clean off the windshield and begone. Jimmy is just about to wipe it clean when Byers notices something and yells at him to stop--it seems someone has written some numbers on the van windshield: RX843 767 019 -- a prescription number. Someone has been acting the informant, it seems that the prescription belonged to the now deceased campaign staffer.

Langly and Frohike head over to the Wohlgemuth Memorial Medical Center to have a look around in their prescription records. On entering, they notice no one in the reception area, but, before they can sneak on to the computer, a nurse interrupts them and they need to come up with a reason to get her out of the room so that Langly can have a look at the system. Unfortunately for Frohike, the best Langly can come up with at the spur of the moment is that Frohike is suffering from severe gas pains. Frohike isn't too happy with the situation, but the nurse leads him back to the room where he can be examined. Unfortunately, she's not gone long enough for Langly to do a little funky poaching, so Frohike has to improvise a very noisy gas attack with a rubber water bottle. Which, Langly, trying to casually read a copy of "Family" magazine, tries to shrug off. However, as the attack continues, the nurse leaves the reception desk to see what the problem is, and Langly can duck behind for a quick reconoiter. Langly makes a quick printout of the prescription and prepares to beat a hasty retreat, as Frohike is being wheeled out on a gurney.

Outside of the Senator's campaign HQ, Byers is applying forensic adhesive to Jimmy's hands. The adhesive will retain any fingerprints that it comes into contact with--all Jimmy has to do is walk in and shake the hands of the staffers, and the informant's identity can be discovered. Jimmy heads into the HQ and immediately gravitates towards the P.R. spokeswoman Byers plowed into during the interview. She dodges his handshake and sends him to work licking envelopes. Alas, even this task is too much for Jimmy to handle, and when his forensic adhesive starts to come loose, his attempts to glue it back into place only ends with him covered in glue, and envelopes, and anything else he touches. Jimmy runs into the bathroom, to the privacy of a stall. Just then, the Senator's public relations officers come in--the woman is a little miffed because she's been trying to contact someone at an apartment, and no one is there--the sitter is gone. The lady, "Brenda," is convinced that they've done something very awful, and it seems to be weighing on her conscience. The man, "Jock" (or maybe Jaques, but he doesn't seem French), is unconcerned, the Senator is going to be re-elected in three days and they're having trouble keeping the party boy in line.

Speaking of apartment, the purloined prescription has lead Langly and Frohike to that very same apartment, which turns out to be the Senator's lovenest. They also discover that the apartment has a sole inhabitant--a tiny little baby of about six months of age.

Back at the Gunmen's HQ, (a two-hour drive from Richmond), all four have gathered around the baby. Langly determined that he wasn't left alone for long applying the tried-and-true "diaper check" method. Frohike concludes that the Senator was afraid that his mistress was going to go public with their love child and engineered the accident to silence her. Jimmy isn't buying it, because the Senator is a married man. Unfortunately, they can't prove the child is the senator's before the election without a confession. Byers figures Brenda left the information on their windshield because she was upset about the baby. Jimmy is starting to have his doubts about his role in all of this, not wanting to ruin the senator, but Byers convinces him that the important thing is to get the truth. Byers and Jimmy head back to the campaign HQ, leaving Frohike and Langly to watch the baby. Unfortunately, neither party is particularly pleased with the latter arrangement, and a very upset baby leads to a very upset Langly and Frohike. The two are completely inept at caring for a child. Among other blunders, Frohike attempts to feed the baby a Yoo-Hoo.

Jimmy returns to the senator's HQ, and is immediately nabbed by Brenda and asks him to come with her. There's a problem: a group of elderly ladies known as the Women's Auxillary are there to present the Senator with an award, but--he's occupied by being passed out in the bathroom. Jock has done all he can, and when Jimmy and Brenda enter the bathroom, the senator is propped up against the wall with the shower running on him. It seems Senator Jefferson has an unspecified "condition," and calling the doctor is completely out of the question. They need to get the Senator awake. At Byer's urging, Jimmy helps them get the Senator on his feet, and he comes around... sort of. He appears very drunk. Thanks to Jimmy, the Senator is able to give his speech, although the fact that he isn't wearing pants is obscurred by the lectern.

Back at the Gunmen's HQ, Yves is making a bad situation worse by constantly ringing the door's buzzer. Langly and Frohike, at their wits' ends, called her over, thinking that, as a woman, she might know something more about raising kids than they. Luckily for them, they're right. Yves deduces that the baby is crying because he's teething. Langly says a bit too much and Yves discovers that the baby was a foundling--but Langly saves by saying that the baby... is Frohike's! Of course, they still know nothing about caring for a baby...

Jock wants to shake Jimmy's hand for his help in the bathroom earlier that day, but by the time Jimmy manages to put his own hand out, Jock declines the handshake. It he just wanted to remind Jimmy that he is not to discuss the Senator's condition, but Byers asks Jimmy to discuss it anyway. Jock explains that the Senator is on medication for angina. Jimmy goes to talk with Brenda about the Senator's "angina." He makes it very clear that he knows about the baby, and explains that whenever she's ready to talk, he's ready. He takes off, and Brenda lets Jock know that Jimmy knows--about everything! Jock simply brushes it off, saying they'll take care of him the same way that they took care of Barbara Bonavaut.

Jimmy returns to HQ the next morning, and is motioned over by Jock into the clandestine bathroom. While Jock reaches slowly into his jacket, Brenda explains that the Senator is doing so well that they don't need Jimmy's support as a volunteer anymore. They would like to bring him on full-time. Jock hands Jimmy a check. Jimmy figures it's a bribe, and he isn't buying it, and it blows his little patriotic mind that maybe the Senator might not be such a great man.

Back at HQ, Yves is taking a certain sadistic pleasure in buzzing the doorbell, and Frohike is upset because he just got the kid to sleep. Actually, it turns out he created a contraption called "The Urban Cowbaby" which is a child carseat attached to a motor, which rocks the seat to and fro, while a mechanized arm rotates to offer the baby a bottle, or a melba toast. Yves is not impressed.

Jimmy returns to commiserate with Byers--Byers is absolutely ecstatic, proof that the campaign tried to bribe its staffers into silence! Unfortunately for Byers, Jimmy, in the heat of passion, tore the check into little itty bitty pieces, and now they have no proof. Jimmy promises to get them the proof they need, and takes off. (At this point, if I were Byers, I would have used every possible way of stopping Jimmy from going off and making matters worse, even if a stun gun and/or sodium penthonol was required, but Byers lets him go without a fight).

Meanwhile, Yves has hauled Frohike off to a new-age parenting seminar in the hopes that he might learn how to be a better father. Poor Frohike is hooked up with really humiliating fake boobies designed to help men bond with their children through the joy of nursing. Unfortunately, Frohike bonds with the baby a little too much, and lets slip that the baby is actually the Senator's progeny, and not his own.

It's the day before the election, and the Senator's campaign is on the final leg, and as everyone parties on the grandstand, Jimmy hands out gourmet coffee's to everyone. Later, Jimmy arrives back at the newsmobile with a large trashbag filled with the coffee cups--he coated every single paper cup with the forensic adhesive. Frohike and Yves arrive, baby in tow, and Byers manages a fingerprint matchup on the very first cup. (Lucky, huh?)

The party is high gear, and backstage, Jimmy motions Brenda to join them. She is overjoyed to see the baby safe and sound, but a little pissed at Jimmy. They explain that they matched the her fingerprints on her grande vanilla 2% no-whip carmel latte... but... Brenda had the regular cappucino. Jimmy mixed up who had what, and I, for one, am shocked. So whose fingerprints were on the windshield?

As the Senator give a pre-victory speech, Brenda interrupts him and pulls him back into HQ, where all the players are congregated. Including Jock, who confesses to being the one who tipped off the Gunmen about the drunken behavior, reckless partying, and the death of Ms. Bonavaut. It turns out that the Senator doesn't know anything about the prescription--because it was Jock who took care of it all. He didn't kill her, but he did want to keep her quiet until after the election. She was so distressed that she took the pills and took a drive, but there was no conspiracy in her death. He was so upset with the actions he was forced to take that he was the one who tipped the Gunmen off. The upside is, that if the story is published, it won't come out until after he is elected. The downside is, there's still a little matter of the babushka that Frohike is hauling around. Jefferson didn't even know he had fathered a baby. The Senator then heads out to tell the crowd the whole truth.

Back at the Gunmen's HQ, the boys are old hat at caring for the baby. Jimmy, Byers and Yves are watching the news reports on the Senator's speech. Jimmy's assertion that the Senator is "still a great man" isn't carrying much weight with Yves, who is a little pissed that he's not caring for his child. However, she eats a little crow as the Senator shows up to claim his kid. Reluctantly, Langly gives up the little boy, who the Senator decides to name the baby... "William." That makes the kid's full name "William Jefferson." Next, Brenda shows up to pick up baby stuff, and passes the television, which is reporting that the Senator is actually still in the campaign, and may very well have turned the situation into a victory.

Hardware: Langly's microbus computer is running a Linux Gnome platform. The computer in the Doctor's Office is a Macintosh. When Frohike tracks down Langly to hand him the crying baby, Langly has a Mac G3 next to him. The Senator's campaign HQ uses a Microsoft Windows platform, and it appears that Excel is running on one of the workstations. However, in a later scene, the exact same software is seen running off a Mac. Not necessarily a blunder--but not terribly bright of the campaign to run multi-platform.

Media: Jefferson's campaign choir sings "Soulville," "Oh Happy Day," and "Say A Little Prayer." In the final scene, when Langly and Frohike are taking care of the baby, Aretha Franklin's "Natural Woman" is playing in the background.

Pop-Culture Points: The title is a reworking of the popular 1988 movie Three Men and a Baby Directed by Leonard Nemoy. When Byers refers to the mystery windshield writer as "Deep Throat," he's actually making a double-reference. During the Watergate Scandal, reporter Bob Woodward claimed inside knowledge from an unnamed informant that he coined "Deep Throat." Also, the on the Gunmen's parent show, The X-Files, Deep Throat (played by Jerry Hardin) was Mulder's first informant. Jimmy turns it into a triple-reference by confusing Byers's reference with the 1972 porno flick Deep Throat. For those yet confused, Senator Jefferson was nothing if not a big send-up of Bill Clinton:

1. Bill Clinton's "infamous" skirt-chasing of the likes of Paula Jones, Gennifer Flowers, and Monica Lewinsky -- although none of those have produced children.
2. The Southern Drawl
3. The "I feel your pain" pursing of the lips during the intro
4. The Saxaphone playing--it doesn't get more Clinton than that! Back in June 1992, Bill Clinton turned his campaign around by appearing on the Arsenio Hall show and playing "Heartbreak Hotel" on the saxaphone.
5. The ability to turn every scandal into a victory: Among other things, the Congressional shutdown of 1997 was attributed to Newt Gingrich's zealot freshmen, and during the Monica Lewinsky debacle, the President's approval ratings actually went up as a result of the public's disgust with a perceived Republican witch hunt.

The following items can not be definatively linked to Clinton:

1. Bill Clinton was never in the Senate, although his wife Hillary was elected Senator of New York State in 2000.
2. There isn't any hard proof that Bill Clinton was a drunk in office--although I'm sure there are rumors out there somewhere...

I am happy to announce that after much searching, I have yet to find evidence of male-breastfeeding seminars being conducted.

When Jimmy overhears Jock and Brenda discussing the senator's "issues," they didn't even bother to make sure that they were alone in the bathroom. If Ally McBeal has taught me nothing, it's that one should always do a stall-check before talking about private matters in the bathroom.

Elections are held on a Tuesday. When Langly and Frohike go to the doctor's office, the Senator is going to be elected "in three days," which means that they are there on a Sunday. I don't know of many private practitioners who have Sunday office hours.

There was no reason for Brenda and Jock to involve Jimmy in the Senator's "shower scene." The two of them would have been strong enough to lift the man up and bring him around. On top of that, Jimmy only spent one day on the campaign and Brenda had no reason to trust him with such sensitive, and potentially harmful knowledge.

The Senator's claim that he didn't know that Ms. Bonavaut was pregnant isn't exactly credible. Considering she worked on the campaign, and he was having enough of an affair with her to warrant a love-nest, he would have seen her at least once while she was pregnant. Also, the baby was at least six months' old when his mother died, and, if the baby was being kept in the aforementioned "love nest," the senator would have learned of its existence before then.

In a small scene toward the end, Langly shows up to ask Byers and Jimmy how things are going. Considering Byers had charge of the Microbus, and Richmond is over 200 miles away from the Takoma Park, I'm not sure how Langly managed to make it out there--I don't think Jimmy would have left his shiny black Trans Am for Langly and Frohike to use as they please--the only reasonable explanation is that the new-age male breastfeeding seminar was being held in Richmond, and Yves drove them over and dropped off Langly on the way. But then again, can you really see Yves chauffeuring those two around?

Jimmy reassures the Senator that he is still planning on voting for him--except for one small detail--Jimmy isn't registered to vote in the state of Virginia! At the very least, he's moved his voter registration to Maryland, but most likely, he's still registered in New York State. So, while Jimmy expresses a very nice sentiment, it's not really a vote the Senator can count on...

The fact that Brenda let the Gunmen walk off with the baby defies logic--considering she did like the kid and was concerned about it, why would she let five virtual strangers out to ruin the Senator spirit it away from campaign headquarters to a completely different state?

Jimmy is so disgusted with the news reports about the Senator that he turns the television off. But, as Brenda passes by while collecting baby stuff, the television is on.

Byers:
"Forensic Adhesive, I borrowed it from a friend in the FBI..." (73K)
"That was our evidence you destroyed, Jimmy!" (64K)


Frohike:
"Free the prisoners!" (38K)
"You tomcat around long enough and your bound to wind up with a litter or two!" (106K)


Langly:
"He's got gas... terrible, explosive gas." (167K)
"Alright already, enough with the firehose!" (65K)


Jimmy:
"What would a dead woman need a prescription for?" (74K)
"Jimmy Bond... in the house!" (72K)


Yves:
"Langly, is that a baby crying?"