Drinking Game Points:

• Intro had nothing to do with the actual plot of the episode (1)
• Gravity asserts its mastery over Frohike - Intro (1)
• Gravity asserts its mastery over Langly - Jumps from Balcony (2)
• Yves takes the money and runs - End (1)
• Someone is shot - Alex Goldmith (1)
• One of the Gunmen should logically be dead by the end of the show:
  1. Intelligence agents have better aim, Jimmy, Frohike, and Langly would have been shot on their way off the grounds (3)
• The van is abused - Frohike forgets the parking brake in the final scene (1)
• Langly vomits - Mrs. Goldsmith's house (1)
• Langly can't hack something - Yves makes it look like he hacked the E-Stock account (1)
• Byers has that cute, little-boy-lost expression on his face - End (1)

Total Drinks: 13

The Lone Gunmen

Episode #2 (1AEB01)
Bond, Jimmy Bond

First aired: March 11, 2001

The scene opens with an Asian man in a business suit waking up in what looks like any Dojo. His hands are tied behind his back, and his feet are tied together. The paper door slides open, and his abductor walks in and welcomes him to Osaka (The executive thinks he's supposed to be in Towson, Maryland). The abductor confirms the identity of the businessman, a Japanese whaling tycoon, pulls out a knife and threatens to cut off the businessman's finger and mail it to Time Magazine in order to gain noteriety for his group. Just as he has the knife to the businessman's finger, a compelling voice (in Japanese) says "You punk, you're going down," and the paper door again slides open to reveal Frohike in a WuShu/KungFu fighter's outfit! The two square off and the abductor takes a couple of swipes with the knife at Frohike, who seems to defy gravity as he defeats the knife-wielding assailant, sending him through a paper wall. Frohike then identifies himself to the businessman (in Japanese) as a special agent who needs the names and locations of the businessman's whaling fleet, because the abductor is an eco-terrorist. Reluctantly, the man gives the names of the ships: "Taki-maru," "Arashi-maru," and "Tokkan-maru", all in Yokohama. As he gives their location, we see Langly, Byers, and... the eco-terrorist! in a poorly lit room, crouched over a computer. Langly verifies the names and locations of the fleet, and then sends the signal to Frohike to wrap things up. Frohike backs away, assuring the businessman that other agents would be by shortly to free the man, but... the businessman is able to free himself! Unfortunately, the voice-synth program was not expecting this contingency, and as Frohike is trying to come up with some convincing Japanese to explain why the man should stay where he is, the voice-altering retainer shorts out, producing a high-pitched whine and a lot of garbled Japanese. The businessman, suspicious, manages to locate the wire that was creating Frohike's "flying samurai" effect, he gives it a tug, sending an entire paper wall down on top of them, revealing the hidden location of Frohike, Byers, and the terrorist. At this point, they decide that a hasty escape is their only option, but Frohike, still attached to the cable, can't help but return to the Japanese businessman, ass-first.

Cut to Glen Cove, Long Island (3:03 A.M.), more specifically, a stately mansion, behind a wrought-iron gate. You see a coat of arms on the gate, and inside, a car is parked with a Consul liscense plate (CYRB202). From the balcony, a young man in glasses is hitting golf balls into the night sky, a tear in his eye. Inside, three computers are all hard at work, reformatting. A dark, thick-jawed man strolls in, looks at the computers, sees what is happening, and heads to the window, gun in hand, where our mysterious golfer is still swinging away. He arrives just in time to see the golfer send a golfball through the Consulmobile's windshield. "Fore," the thick-jawed man says, firing three shots into the golfer, and sending him over the edge of the balcony.

Byers has returned quicker than usual from the printers', without the papers, because the boys do not have any money and the printers' would not allow them to borrow the papers on credit. They spent the last $1,200 they had on Frohike's kimono, and have nothing left to actually distribute the papers with. But, Langly has figured out a way to get more money, by selling more papers! And to do so, he has come up with the new gimmick: The Lone Gunwoman of the Week! (Sign me up!) A buxom blonde woman in an American-flag bikini, with one hand on her hip and the other holding what appears to be a six-shooter. Byers, maybe a little concerned about the paper's credibility, objects, and Frohike, after he finishes drooling, agrees with Byers. Langly gets upset, because he thinks that he's the only one who's willing to do whatever it takes to get a story published and out to the American public, which Frohike, drawing attention to his ice pack, takes umbrage at. Langly is a bit upset because his hacking skills should make him a "dot-com gazillionaire," but instead he's working on a paper no one is reading. He asks Byers and Frohike how far they're willing to go to get the story out there, and Byers's response is: Not that far. The argument is interrupted, however, but the abrasive door-buzzer, it's Yves! Looking pissed and saucy! The Gunmen are a bit hesitant to let her in, but she comes with a story! It seems that a young man named Alex Goldsmith (aka Double-Bogey) was found in a Long Island dumpster that morning. The police think it was a drug deal, but Yves questions that by the match-grade slugs that were extracted from his chest--ammo that is used by intelligence agents, not drug dealers. Frohike is a bit suspicious of her motives, but she plays him off, asking them if they are still journalists and not "budding pornographers" (picking up the Lone Gunwoman issue).

And thus, the boys swing into action! they gear up, get the van equipped, and prepare to head out, only to discover they are out of gas. And since they are also out of money, they are out of luck.

Some time later, in Staten Island New York, the van pulls up in front of the Goldsmith residence and lurches to a halt, which makes Langly physically uncomfortable. It seems that he drew the short straw, and as such was the unlucky one who had to syphon gas. And Byers, being ethically-minded, decided it would be nicer to syphon one gallon from ten cars rather than vice versa, and Langly not knowing how to syphon has a considerable amount in his stomach.

Mrs. Goldsmith knows her son... she knows he didn't do drugs, and he had a great heart! She wants them to be clear on the fact that he didn't do drugs. Langly tries not to vomit while Byers and Frohike ask his mother if they can have a look at his computer. Byers has a look, Langly checks out Alex's white leather Ring golf bag, which was Alex's "Favorite thing in the whole world," which was autographed by all of the players at last year's PGA Tour. Mrs. Goldsmith leaves to get lemonade, and Langly, unable to contain his nausea any longer, vomits directly into the golf bag. Byers and Frohike order him to take it into the bathroom to clean it up, which he does, but in doing so, he wipes off all the names. Meanwhile, there is nothing on the computer, the hard drive had been re-formatted. Langly returns, and frantically, they try to replace the names before the mother gets back, but they don't have enough time. During the mass-forgery, Byers discovers a check inside one of the side-pockets, and the three beat a hasty retreat before the mother discovers the destruction of the bag. Regrouping in the van, Byers reveals the bank check, dated four days before, made out to Alex Goldsmith, in the amount of one million dollars. The issuer was a company by the name of P.O.E., "Philanthropic Outreach Enterprises."

The boys go to Commack, Long Island to check out the offices of P.O.E. They stay close to the van, using the periscope to suveil the place. Langly discovers the State Corporation has sketchy information on the company, as the CEO is listed as one "James Bond." They are able to check the black Trans Am out front (New York State License plate number MODIV 8 *groan*) to discover it's registered to one "James Bond." (Owner number 974895-9048579, Entry Number 9487593-994) Just as they think they've hit a dead end, they see a man leave the office and hop in the Trans Am. They decide to follow him, which leads them to a mysterious beeping... football field? More confused than paranoid, the gunmen walk out onto the field, where a beeping football lands right at Frohike's feet. Curious, Frohike picks it up, and is quickly tagged by three large football players. It is then that we learn that the football players are blind, and Mr. Bond is their coach for the first blind football team in what will soon a league! With franchises in California, Arizona, and Florida. Sonar helmets, beeping footballs. While the team has yet to actually complete a pass, Mr. Bond is very confident that blind football will take off, and that the teams will soon be seen on ESPN. He introduces himself to the group as Jimmy Bond, but they can call him Jimmy. Jimmy then reveals that he doesn't know who his anonymous benefactors are, but they are funding a dream that he's had, because he feels that every American has a God-given right to play football.

The Gunmen go back to the van to discuss things, and decide that the chances of Jimmy being a criminal mastermind are slim to none. That doesn't mean that P.O.E. doesn't have an agenda, and they are determined to discover it. They are all set to leave, except for one small problem, they're out of gas again. Langly, taking no chances, escapes before they hand him the syphon, and heads for P.O.E. on foot. Finding the office unlocked, Langly begins to investigate. Figuring it's empty, he finds the nearest computer and makes himself comfortable. He's just managed to hack into a rather dry intranet page, when the mysterious, thick-jawed man appears in the doorway and asks Langly if he can be helped. Langly, seeing an opening, explains that he knows the man knew Alex Goldsmith, and that he, Langly, Computer God, could do more for the company than Goldsmith could, and he wants a cut of money. He then proceeds to hack into the Pentagon, the Jet Propulsion Labs, and the Queen's Bank of Georgetown in 19 minutes, and then reset the system's clock to Daylight Saving's. Langly gets the job, which means he must be bound and gagged with duct tape.

Meanwhile, Byers and Frohike manage to borrow some gas from Jimmy without resorting to a syphon, but just as they're about to leave, Frohike gets a phonecall. It's Yves! And she's looking smart n' saucy! She's calling to let them know that Langly is being loaded into a car trunk (Caddilac, New York State license plate number DFO 604).

They follow him back to the nice mansion with the wrought-iron fence, which Yves describes as the Belamirsk Embassy--a breakaway republic of the former Soviet Union. They figure Langly is on the top floor. With the wrought iron fence, motion detectors, armed guards, and diplomatic immunity, they can't very well stroll in and retrieve him. Yves draws the connection between POE and the embassy: The ruling party of Belamirsk has a rebel faction it needs to "quash," and they need some money so they can get their hands on a couple metric tons of nerve gas. P.O.E. is a shell company designed to hide the transaction, but they need a hacker to complete the deal. Frohike's pissed, why didn't Yves tell them about this in the first place? She blows them off, but they figure she's in it for money, somehow. If she needed the money, why didn't she just hack for them? Ah, but they have this nasty habit of knocking off their employees, and so Yves does not hack for them.

Meanwhile, Langly is receiving his job description from the thick-jawed man. He has three laptops, with a T1 line hookup. The hack is this: E-Stock online accounts. Langly must set up a bogus corporation, access the account-debiting protocol, and transact a 50-share IPO purchase at $10/share on every e-stock account, for over one-hundred thousand people. Langly quickly calculates that this would make over fifty million in a heartbeat, but that the FCC would know in half a second--since they monitor every transaction for fraud. The thick-jawed man is not concerned with the details, just so that the hack is completed by midnight that very night. They lock Langly into the room, and he discovers Alex Goldsmith's blood-spattered golf clubs.

Frohike and Byers are fast running out of options to get Langly out of the embassy. They can't go in through the front door, and they're pissed at Langly for getting in over his head. Byers, though, feels guilty, because Langly was "going all the way" for a story, he was being a good reporter. Byers has a flash of brilliance, realizing that they know someone who could go in through the front door.

They head back to the beeping football field to let Jimmy know that his "league" is a league of one team, and that P.O.E. is a front, and that Jimmy has been set up as the fall guy, for, among other things, Double-Bogey's murder. Then, Jimmy gets teary-eyed, because he always wanted to believe that blind football wasn't a lost cause, and that America needs more guys to fight for lost causes because every so often, one of them wins. But... Byers and Frohike know where Jimmy can find his "anonymous benefactors" and raise a little hell. And so, Jimmy storms past the iron gates, and meets up with the Thick Jawed man (who is playing with a nine-iron), and a smaller, blonde guy. Jimmy proceeds to lay into them, and lets them know that he knows the whole scam, the murder, the nerve gas, and the setup; and that the thick-jawed man is going to be exposed. Just as Jimmy turns to leave, the thick-jawed guy knocks him over the head with the golf club, and they drag hin inside. All part of Frohike's plan.

Jimmy comes to with Langly on the other side of a locked door, peeking at him from under the crack. Jimmy, using his wits, punches a hole in the wall in order to deliver a ghost modem circuit (or, as Jimmy called it, a "Ghostly Mode Circle") to Langly so that he can communicate with Byers and Frohike "without the fear of electrical surveilance." Langly checks the equipment, and contacts the boys in the van. They synchronize their information, and figure Alex Goldsmith probably found out what the hack was for and refused to do it, so they killed him. Langly decides that he's not going to do the hack, either, consequences be damned. But Yves has an idea, Langly should do the hack! She doesn't say why, just that he should, and that seems to be enough for our boys, even though they have no real reason to trust Yves. So they give her the account number and trust she'll do the right thing.

So, at midnight, Langly and Frohike uses a motorized reverse-vice grip on the wrought-iron fence. Jimmy, coughing subtly, breaks out of his room onto the balcony of death, while Langly, in only a few short keystrokes, hacks E-Stock and voila! $50,050,950 into account number 483-4873-3-423. Impressed, the thick-jawed man man gets ready to shoot Langly, when the door bursts open, and the smaller, blonde man rushes in spouting Russian like there's no tomorrow. The execution is delayed, and both men rush out of the room. Langly can barely ask "What just happened" when a rock smashes the window to the balcony, where Jimmy waits below.

Meanwhile, back in the van, Yves has managed to download the entire balance of account number 483-4873-3-423 onto a floppy diskette. She gives Byers a quick peck on the cheek, and amscrays. Frohike's contraption has sufficiently bent the bars so that he can slip through, and he makes his way onto the grounds. Jimmy urges Langly to jump, but Langly will only jump if Jimmy catches him. Unfortunately, Jimmy is easily distracted. As Langly leaps from the balcony, Frohike calls for Jimmy and Langly to hurry up, and Jimmy turns around, letting Langly fall to the hard ground. The thick-jawed man hears the thud, and they run after the boys, guns blazing. Dragging Langly with them, they make it through the fence and pile into the van for a speedy getaway. Langly is upset because he thought he transferred the money, but the fifty million was never actually stolen, Yves just made it look like it was. She's syphoned clean the account, and recouped her losses from the Octium chip debacle, leaving the Gunmen high and dry.

Langly buys Mrs. Goldsmith's forgiveness with the one million dollar check her son never got to cash, and they plan on making the trip home, only once again, out of gas. After Langly risked his life, they decide to spare him syphoning duty, instead, he and Byers push while Frohike sits in the driver's seat. However, on pulling in to headquarters, Frohike discovers last week's issue, sitting neatly at their doorstep. It turns out Jimmy found them out, and has found another lost cause to support. So now they have a fourth Gunmen, who, while not too bright, has deep pockets.

Hardware: At the consulate, Double-Bogey was running three laptop PC's simultaneously, which had the amazing characteristic of being both PC and Mac platform (see Plot Holes and Technical Blunders) Double-Bogey's home computers were PC machines, running a DOS blue-screen platform.The laptop Langly was using in the van was an Apple Powerbook, running a Macintosh platform. The computer at POE was running a Macintosh OS.

Media: When the Gunmen prepare to go on another mission, and when Langly is hacking for P.O.E., they play "Switchblade" by Link Wray.

Pop-Culture Points: The name of the episode is an obvious spoof of the James Bond series. The blind football team had bats on their helmets... get it? Blind as a bat! And bats use sonar to track their prey! Pretty clever. The bats bear a striking resemblance to the Bacardi bats. The E-Stock online account scam was a reference to E-Trade. The opening scene was a spoof of The Matrix.